What Swingers can teach us about healthy male friendship
by Ben Kuchera
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This ‘90s classic got something right that we could still use more of today
Loneliness is literally bad for your health.
That may sound dire, but the science backs it up. Being lonely is a detriment to your physical health. It can lead to anxiety and depression. It can make you more likely to die young. And many men are suffering from an epidemic of loneliness. The fact that so many men struggle with expressing their emotions may be not only holding them back from closer bonds with their friends, but also from understanding their own emotional experiences and how to regulate them.
Which makes this the perfect time to revisit Swingers. Yes, Swingers. A movie composed of jerks who happen to have pretty healthy-seeming relationships with each other. Who knew?
It hurts until it doesn’t
Sonny Ross
The 1996 film, directed by Doug Liman, written by Jon Fravreau, and featuring then-undiscovered actors Vince Vaugn and Ron Livingston, focuses on a group of friends who have moved to LA to find fame and fortune. The star of the ensemble is Mike, played by Favreau, a wannabe standup comic with limited prospects and a girl he left behind back home. A girl he can’t get over.
At least he has the self-awareness to apologize for his mopey demeanor during this time of his life.
“I’m sorry we always talk about the same thing all the time. It’s just you’ve been there, and your advice really helps,” Mike tells Rob, played by Livingston, after pouring his heart out to him at a local diner. “Rob, you’re the only one I can talk to about her.”
Rob takes a moment to look directly at Mike. There is a beat of silence. They see each other. “Thanks,” he says, with sincerity. “Thanks, man.”
Why is this so rare?
A 2012 study suggested that boys may learn to disconnect emotionally when they’re young, as they may have fewer outlets to discuss negative feelings like anger, fear, or loneliness. “Research with young children indicates that parents talk with daughters more than sons about most negative emotions,” the study’s abstract states. “If these conversations include support, connection, and validation, girls may come to expect more than boys that talking about problems would make them feel cared for, understood, less alone, and that they will be thought well of even when they have problems.”
This reaction from parents can create a “chicken or the egg” problem in which young men are pressured to mold themselves to society’s masculine ideal, which often focuses on strength, self-reliance, and stoicism, and then seem to pass on that pressure to the next generation.
This isn’t a situation that’s inevitable or based on something inherent in boys, but roles placed upon them by their parents and society. Not talking about our emotions is learned, and often policed, behavior. Parents are teaching their sons what society expects of them, but in many cases those expectations keep men lonely, and isolated. We’ve made asking for or providing support gendered behavior, to the detriment of all.
Swingers and the power of helping others
It would be ridiculous to argue that Swingers is some kind of progressive classic, even when viewed through this lens. The film treats women as prizes who exist to be impressed, conquered, and won. They are seen and treated like sexual trophies. The way these men interact with the outside world tends to be reprehensible, and the movie tips the viewer a few winks to let us know they’re meant to be seen as sad and grasping, rather than cool and together. They are thoughtless and reckless to anyone who isn’t in the group, while the rest of the world often sees them as awkward pretenders to the sort of hedonistic lifestyle they pretend to enjoy.
But the portrayal of the relationships between these men hit home in a way I didn’t expect in 2023. The men in Swingers show up for each other. They look out for each other, and they shower each other with compliments. When people talk about the lack of male support structures, this is a significant part of what they’re hoping for: A group of friends who help each other in concrete, effective ways.
Look at Trent, played by Vaughn. Trent consistently lets Mike know that he looks good and he’s killing it out there. And if Mike messed something up? There’s always next time. Although Trent is looking out for number one, the casual cruelty that can sometimes creep into Vaughn’s performances is nowhere to be seen here; he clearly cares for Mike, and even when his friend’s moping prematurely ends a hookup, his momentary annoyance is very quickly replaced with concern and support for his friend. These are guys who know how to pump each other up when they’re doubting themselves.
The lack of messages from his ex-girlfriend (remember answering machines?) eventually tips Mike over into a deep depression, leading to what may be the emotional linchpin of the film: Rob coming over with some food and orange juice to check on Mike and make sure he’s OK.
Mike, it should be said, is not OK in this scene, but Rob is able to get him to process some of his feelings by opening himself up, and the resulting conversation is healing for both men.
That outcome is supported by research into the benefits of helping others with emotional regulation. The study looked at individuals interacting with an online platform that provided training on emotional regulation and concluded that the best way for participants to help themselves was to help others.
“We found that participants who engaged more by helping others (vs. sharing and receiving support for their own problems) showed greater decreases in depression, mediated by increased use of reappraisal in daily life,” the study’s abstract explained. “These findings unpack potential mechanisms of socially oriented training in emotion regulation and suggest that by helping others regulate, we may enhance our own regulatory skills and emotional well-being.”
The thing about this scene isn’t that Rob is checking up on his friend, although that’s a really nice gesture, but that he’s willing to share his own experiences, self-doubt, worry, and pain to make sure Mike doesn’t feel alone. Rob is visibly shaken by sharing that part of himself, but they both appear healed by the interaction, at least partially. Mike finally leaves his apartment to join his buddies again. Rob was able to come clean about his professional failures and his own struggles with relationships. As the above study indicated, by helping each other, both men have likely improved their emotional regulation skills.
Mike finally has a positive interaction with a woman at a bar, and it happens because he’s able to push through the initial awkwardness, successfully flirt in a way that feels comfortable to him and doesn’t mess with her boundaries, and he’s even able to show off his swing dancing skills. He comes across as a guy who likes himself, someone with something to offer. And it wasn’t time that did that, although time always helps, it was his friends. They spent time with him, talked to him, checked up on him, and didn’t give up on him.
The good news is that we all can benefit from the simple things that made the friendships in Swingers such a good example for other groups of male friends. If someone you care for is hurting, don’t be afraid to check in on them. Don’t hold back when it comes to compliments and praise. If someone is talking about their feelings, be open to reciprocating and sharing your own. It can often feel like everyone in a friend group is waiting for someone else to take the first step in breaking down the walls that often exist between male friends, and there’s nothing stopping you from being the one to begin the process.
Doing so will not only chip away at our collective loneliness problem, but you might just wind up helping yourself, as well.