Extremely sensitive to rejection? You’re not alone

Engage
Written By Ben Kuchera

by Ben Kuchera

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“When you’re in the red, you’re not fit for public consumption.” That line from a video I once watched hit me like a baseball bat to the face. I have fought rejection sensitivity my whole life, and only in the past few years have I come to understand why I feel this way. It turns out I’m in good company. 

Being a writer with ADHD who is also sensitive to rejection has been a hell of a journey. The early days of my career were spent in my head, absolutely sure my editor hated me — all over a few normal edits to the stories I was submitting. I went to sleep every night thinking I would be fired in the morning. To this day, I have to convince myself that the folks I’ve been friends with for 25 years actually do like me, because it often feels like they don’t. This is not based on their actions, but on how I perceive them. 

If you find yourself spending a decent amount of your day in your head wondering whether your work is good enough or whether you’re good enough, you might have an extreme sensitivity to rejection, more officially known as rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). It’s common in folks with ADHD.

“Up to 99% of teens and adults with ADHD are more sensitive than usual to rejection,” Stephanie Watson wrote for WebMD. “And nearly 1 in 3 say it's the hardest part of living with ADHD.”

If you take nothing else away from this story, just know that you are not alone. If you find yourself spiraling due to an innocuous comment or piece of advice, remember that there’s nothing “wrong” with you for experiencing the feelings you do, and this sensitivity to rejection doesn’t have to permanently dominate your emotional world. 

What is rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD)?

RSD, at its core, is an intense and unpleasant reaction to real or perceived rejection. It often comes with the inability to control our focus and, for some, nearly nonstop rumination. It’s not just arguments with friends and family that gets us down, or a bad review at work, but even constructive feedback may cause someone with sensitivity to rejection to fall into self-image despair. 

But what you perceive to be rejection might not be rejection. That’s how strong the effects of RSD can be; you’re so ready for a negative response or rejection that you begin to conclude the worst, even when it’s not the case. You begin to see rejection, even when it’s not there. You may even begin to ignore evidence of positivity. People who live with this kind of rejection sensitivity — which is also common with conditions like borderline personality disorder (BPD), body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), anxiety, and depression — sometimes have pasts that include childhood trauma, which can further compound hypervigilant and self-doubting behaviors. 

Rejection sensitivity can lead to a toxic mixture of reactions that might include anything from self-imposed isolation to heightened and regular conflict with others. 

Sadly, our parents and teachers often aid in the creation of rejection sensitivity. “Sometimes the criticism or rejection is imagined, but not always,” says Stephanie Watson. “ADHD researchers estimate that by age 12, children with ADHD get 20,000 more negative messages about themselves than other kids their age. All that criticism can take a real toll on their self-esteem.” 

This kind of foundation often creates a cycle: you expect rejection and you try to shield yourself from it, but the mechanisms you employ might increase your chances of experiencing actual rejection. 

The good news is that rejection sensitivity can be treated. Understanding what your brain is doing and why can often go a long way to making your emotions more tolerable and your reactions more conducive to your broader intentions and goals. Something important to keep in mind is that a lot of experts think the term “attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder” is a misleading name for this condition. Why? Because we ADHDers don’t actually struggle with a deficit of attention — we have tons of it! We just need to be motivated by interest, for one. 

So if you do have interest in improving your sensitivity to rejection, ADHD might make you an extra eligible candidate for absorbing new information and applying it to your everyday thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. 

There are countless videos, podcasts, articles, social media profiles, online groups, and more that can help you on your path toward healing RSD. These tools, especially when paired with support from a therapist who’s a good fit, might empower you to rewire in a way that could positively change your life. 

Here are some places to get started:

 
Ben Kuchera
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